Instagramification: Death By Squirrel

I wear my green pants a lot.

I also eat a lot of peanut butter and jelly.

Quiet often, both at the same time.

I had to go to The Hill on Friday to renew my press pass (I’m a Capitol Hill reporter, didn’t you know??), and though windy, it was a much-needed break from the office shuffle. I honestly don’t take advantage of our proximity to Washington, D.C. enough. It really is such a beautiful city.

OK, enough about that. I was almost eaten alive by squirrels.

Do you have any idea how ambivalent the D.C. squirrel community is to human danger? They’re positively mad, I tell you! There I was, taking a sweet shortcut through a Senate park on my way to Dirksen when I came upon what can only be described as a town meeting – of backwoods murder squirrels.

A strange, unfamiliar fear washed over me. I said to myself, “Brit, walk through the squirrels. They will surely scatter. You’re giant and human!” I took another nervous step forward when one (let’s call him El Jefe) looked me straight in the eye (NOT A HYPERBOLE)… and walked towards me. Like, “Walk, away lady. Walk away,” but with a Jersey accent.

He was holding a juice box. And a small serrated plastic knife. (POTENTIAL HYPERBOLE)

Oh, the droves of oblivious people all around me! They had no idea the danger they were in – making the fact that I turned on my heels and sprinted out of the park that much more comical.

I called Steve at his office, panting, squeaking inaudibly about how there was “NO WAY those were normal squirrels, right!?!”

I shake as I type this.

The goods news is I made it out alive. The bad news is I look like a deranged graduate student with a propensity to stalk male professors and set houses on fire in my new press pass picture. It’s all in the eyes, I think. And no, I won’t show it to you.

The great news is I came home to this awesome new Elephant Shirt sitting on my doorstep. It comes complete with Elephant Dance, but that’s more of an “in person” thing. Just ask my co-workers. 

At what point have I gone overboard with the elephant stuff? Oh, now? Noted.

I know we are already almost halfway through this week, but I hope you had a nice relaxing and squirrel-free weekend.

-Brit, Amateur Squirrel Hunter


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